Woke this morning to snow covering the ground. Unexpected at this time of year on the West Coast but it is still winter. On my walk here to the cafe for my almond milk latte I heard snow shovels being pushed along sidewalks and driveways. Snow lets people be friendly. They are outside, it is bright and so they smile and say hello and chat. But the sun is shining, the snow is melting and everyone will go back inside their little (or some cases big) cocoons.
I didn’t write yesterday and I am feeling regret for that. It is my intention to write everyday unless something important shows up. There was nothing important going on, I was just lazy and undisciplined. It was Saturday and old habits slid in to play. There was nothing in particular I needed to get done…certainly nothing that couldn’t wait until the afternoon after a few hours of morning writing. The snow is a reminder for me to stick to it and not flitter away my time. Time like the snow, disappears and when you shine the bright day light on it and you’ve done nothing, it is not pretty.
Goal today is to hit my word requirements despite it being Sunday. Goal for next Saturday – WRITE.
This morning I wrote 2000 words, started at 7 and finished at 11:30. I took breaks so my total writing time was closer to 4 hours.
It was a struggle. My mind kept flitting off to other concerns in my life. I kept checking my email and having to pull myself back to the writing. I fidgeted, I looked for other things to do, but ultimately I kept at it.
I read online (and who knows if it is true or not) that Steve King writes 2,000 words a day, others 1,500. If that is true then I feel good at my accomplishment today and can only hope to keep it up. I’d actually like to write more each day. Take a break at noon and then return and write another 500 to 1,000 words. We will see if that is feasible.
Writing is hard work. It is not for the weak or the easily distracted.
Yesterday I let fear dominate me. I did write, but only for an hour and then I skipped off into the world to do chores and visit my mother. A mistake I’ve decided. Leaving without having put in hours of writing broke the discipline and in breaking the discipline allowed the fear to soar. And as the fear soared I had nothing to push it back with except that one hour of writing.
This morning is different. I have been writing and will continue writing for at least 4 hours. My plan is to write each day from 8 am to noon and then stop, giving myself the afternoon for the gym, time with friends, the mendacity of life.
Fear is interesting. It creeps in at strange moments and grabs hold when you aren’t looking. Impossible for it not to occur as you look at your bank balance or think of the status you’ve given up. Avoiding fear or stopping it from occurring is not the solution. In this process the solution is to have my battalion of arms at the ready to wave in its face – the hours of work.
Because I can do it. My writing is improving. I have a story to tell. I will be successful.
Yesterday I ended my life of employment – working for other people. This morning I started my life as an author and artist.
This has been a long time coming. I’ve wanted this forever. But obstacles (raising a child, feeding myself, divorce) and fear stopped me. It shouldn’t have I know but it did. There was also an element of desire for status. I wanted to look good to others, to be seen as making it – in their terms. The mortgage, the designer clothes, the car, the travel to exotic places was the status that mattered.
I could have done all of it cheaper and easier and arrived here much earlier. Somehow my consciousness of where I should be didn’t kick in until much much later.
This morning I wrote and I created my twitter account and I named myself as author. My goal in in this blog is to document my progress as I push my passion to create. As I struggle with my fears of being poor, of failure, of stumbling on the path. I will stumble, I will experience all those fears and more but my hope is that in writing this blog I will literally write them and continue on the road.